Musings of Isolation

I feel like I have lost a part of my soul. I used to harness my empathy and what I deeply felt about my surroundings to write about my poignant stories. Now it has hidden in one of the darkest places in my mind. If I need to find that part of me, I'll have to enter it. A place that will corrode me with all my worst memories. It is like having a dementor around. Something dark and heavy looming near you. Waiting to suck out whatever happiness you have inside.
I cannot clearly express what I am feeling. But the nightmares don't make it any easy anyway.

I miss our silly high fives and the races to the dining table..

I took it for granted that you will always be waiting for me at home. Don't we all? I just wish I could see you one last time, to say a good bye! But you have moved on, and I'm left here cursing my thoughtlessness. I wish I hadn't put off visiting you for all those vain reasons that I then thought were of utmost importance. You were the sole reason that made my trip home happy every single time. By the time I rush back from college after an other tiring day, grab some clothes and hurry towards the bus stop, it would be filled with my fellow NITians and my hopes for getting home unscathed would melt away. After somehow I get my dwarfish self onto the rickety stairs, the bus would rattle off through the ups and downs of Calicut. As I hold on to my dear life while the bus traverses through the muddy roads, I will be thinking, 'What shall I get you that will make you really really happy?'. Just as the answer comes to my mind, "Ouch!". Well, courtesy of an old lady. If I'm blocking her way to the seat, She gets to stamp my foot! Before I can show her my bad-ass stare, she pushes me away to sit on that empty seat. Bitterly enduring the throb in my toe, I assure, Cream Bun it is. Three more bus rides like this and I'm walking through the pathway that leads to home. I can see your white form even from this far. Yes, as I expected you are reading the newspaper, probably for the umpteenth time. Was it turned up-side down?
 As you hear me approach the house, you look up from the paper. The recent changes Grandma made to your diet has taken effect already, and the lines on your face have become clearer now. As you scrutinize me with your grey eyes, I get a feeling that something is missing from your face. I'm guessing you have no idea who I am as you are showing no reaction to my presence. Your eyes have moved from my face and settled on the packet in my hand. I see a sly smile flash through your face before Grandma comes over and opens the door of the grills that she uses to lock you in so that you don't plan yet another escapade into the blue nowhere. I still remember your latest getaway. By the time we realized you were missing, it was raining heavily. Obviously, you hadn't bothered with an umbrella. Mom was so worried, she sent me looking for you to the vayal (paddy field). Ah! and there you were! Soaked all over in the rain with a smirk so big written all over your face. My profound relief that you were safe vanished the moment you started with the sneezes.    
"Mole, yathra engenne undayirunnu?", Grandma wakes me from my thoughts. "Ah...kozhappilla ....kurachu thirakku undayirunnu.".

Around the time you were diagnosed with Alzheimer's, somebody told me that soon you would create another world just for yourself and disappear behind it. I don't think that was ever true. Because the recent years brought me closer to you. When I taught you the cool 'high five', and when I irritated you by asking you to sing!! And when you snatched my pappadams!! But the thing I miss most of all is our races to the dining table, I would always win, but you tried harder each day!!!

When I enter the house, you have already set the newspaper aside. I say, "Ammacha!!", and you look up and smile at me! I couldn't describe my happiness!! Did you recognize me??

Oh!! I wish!!, As you swiftly get up from your seat and snatch the packet from me, I realized, maybe you are in an another world, maybe I just don't want to accept that truth.

I miss you a lot Ammacha! I just wish I could hear you sing your 'shlokams' once again, hear one of your stories about the hidden treasure inside the well,  just wish I could see your happy grin when you troubled gran. How could you leave us without a good-bye?

Those amazing childhood memories that stick to you no matter who you become!!!

That old manor between the two rivers is the most beautiful house I have ever seen. The memories of grabbing an umbrella during the rains, walking between those weeds filled pathways, getting stuck in the muddy grounds, grandma teaching me to make paper boats in those cloudy days. Cloudy days always made me happier than sunny days, Of course, cloudy days usually meant no school! Well, those were the days of happiness and innocence. It was one of those days when my mother got me something that introduced me to the magical world of Harry Potter. The first book of the series: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I was in 6th then and like every other kid I was just engrossed in it. While watching the rain drops fall, I could just picture Harry eating those warm, tasty sausages in the great hall at Hogwarts. It rained very heavily that day and I couldn't take my usual strolls around the house( It is a very big house with lots of rooms, moreover there isn't another house for 500 meters!! Yeah, Very scary at night ;) )
So the next morning, I took my umbrella (it hadn't started raining yet!!) and went out to check the water level of the river in front of our house (aka, the old manor). The river was just 50 feet from the house, it had rained heavily the previous evening and the river was very much prone to occasional flooding. Me being the quite enthusiastic cutlet I was, wanted to know if the waterline had reached the road. What I didn't worry was about an unexpected surprise that waited for me in the road. I didn't need to have worried about the flood, there was something else bigger, first I thought it might be Fluffy (the three headed dog in Harry Potter of course!!) but how can it be?? I live in the muggle world. There are no three headed dogs here. Well, It turned out to be a very large buffalo (larger than usual), Oh!!! I thought, there was no need for me to panic. It's just a herbivore. It wouldn't attack me for no reason. So, the idiot I was, I made faces at it (that's what I usually do when someone annoys me - and this creature was depriving me of my solitude with the river!!) Now, even that wouldn't have been a problem unless, I realised a jolt later, I hadn't been wearing a red dress. Alas!! but that wasn't the case!! I was indeed wearing my favourite red frock!! Just as this thought escaped my mind!! Oh Lord!! The ghastly beast charged at me. I'm honest to the moot here when I'm saying if I ever ran like that for the Olympics, I would have probably won the gold medal. The silver would obviously go to the bull.
I ran like a maniac to my house, the 'thing' just behind me. I somehow managed to reach the steps, climbed it. The bull just watched me, and even though it's an animal I could see its fury. So anyway, after doing my victory dance and again displaying some of my 'navarasams' at the animal, I thought to myself, which idiot would ever leave it's bull free on the road on a rainy day with the river just meters from reaching the road level? Well that is my village!! Beautiful and full of surprises!!
And that was the day I believed that red clothes actually provoked buffaloes!!!


P.S: I would be back with more tales of my childhood mishapes!!

Wow! I have finally created what may be another reason to wander inside the magical doors of internet once more. I have joined Blogger. As if Orkut, Facebook and Twitter weren't enough!!